Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Let Go

The last 10 days, I've had so many thoughts racing around in my head that I haven't been able to figure out what I wanted to write about.  This week, it became  clear to me what I needed  to talk about.  I say need, because this is something that I need to do for myself, I need to get these thoughts down, I need to talk about what's bothering me and what I'm currently struggling with.   Maybe someone will benefit from reading this or maybe someone will leave a comment that will help me.  I guess time well tell.

This past Monday, I attended a Church service with my Fiancé and his family.  The service was on All Soul's Day, and we were there to remember his grandmother who passed in the spring.  It was a great service and many were remembered.  During the Priest's homily, he talked about how when we thought we had dealt with grief and moved on, it sneaks back up on us.  Grief comes in stages, and sometimes those stages can be things that trigger a memory causing you to feel all the feels again. 

This past Sunday, I had one of those triggering moments. Paul and I were walking through Target looking for the aisle with the Vacuums (ours broke Saturday) and while we were wandering around, we passed through the baby section.  I felt so overwhelmed with sadness. I had tons of memories flood in from when we were pregnant and looking at what we needed/wanted to buy for our baby.  This month I'm getting tons of mail from baby and maternity stores and as well as emails and coupons for baby items.  All of this just triggers more sadness in me, making me long for what we've lost.

This month is a hard month.  I don't do good with holidays.  I especially don't do well with holidays centered around food.  And now, to be honest, I'm overwhelmingly sad.  This would've been my last month of pregnancy; I was due Nov 31 and that's hard for me to deal with right now.  I could keep suppressing this and saying I'm fine, but sometimes, I need to talk about what is bothering or hurting me.  We all do.

Paul mentioned to me that I have a lot of things from my past that I'm holding on to- and it's not in a healthy way.  I need to let go.  I've been dwelling on how I used to be and striving to be that girl again- to be thinner, prettier, and to run as fast as I used to- but that is all past me and I cannot rewind. I was a different person then- and I was not necessarily a healthy person at that time either.  Today I may look a bit different on the outside, but I've finally started to beat this demon of an eating disorder. I am pretty, It's my own insecurities telling me that I'm not.  And yes, I may run slower than I did 2 years ago- but I'm not killing myself with over training these days. I also took time off from running to deal with eating disorder treatment, therapy and to process the grief of losing the baby.  I'm slowly learning to process everything that has happened that last decade or so that I haven't dealt with.  There is a lot of grief to deal with. 

My best friend posted this to her Facebook yesterday.  What perfect timing! It rang very true to what I have been thinking about the last few days.
photo credit : @nikkipowersyoga
I need to let myself feel the sadness and then let it go.  I have a right to be sad, but I shouldn't stay stuck in this place.  That is not a good thing for me to do, nor a healthy thing.  There will always be little moments that will spark a memory and a feeling, that is unavoidable, but I have a choice on how I react.  I need to be grateful for what I do have.  If I want to live in my past, I will only hurt myself.  I have been given so many blessings this past year- an amazing fiancé, health, and sobriety to name a few. 

Instead of dwelling on my past, its time to look to my future.  What does my Higher Power have in store for me, what can I do to live the life He wants me to live.  What are my goals and dreams? Its time to take action to make positive things happen. 

In yoga, I constantly hear about surrender and letting go of the ego. I need to bring my practice to my everyday life. To breathe in and let go- of my past, of my ego and to surrender. To trust my Higher Power and to know that even though I don't know what the future holds for me, everything will be alright. 

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."



November and December are Gratitude months. I challenge all of you to take time each day to write down 5 things you are grateful for. 



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