Thursday, May 28, 2015

PMA- Positive Mental Attitude

Once again, I've been side tracked and have not been keeping up with this blog.  My apologies. I'm going to make it a point to update this blog every week (at least once, if not twice).  I have time to indulge in reality TV, so i have the time to sit down and blog.  Writing helps my mental state too, so i really should be doing this more often.  As most of my readers know, i have suffered a long term eating disorder, substance abuse issues and severe depression and anxiety.  This last month, i have had a lot of ups and downs, resulting in me to finally seek out treatment for everything.  

The last week of March, my fiance and i found out that we were expecting! It was very exciting, but my mental health started to deteriorate.  I started to use my eating disorder behaviors more often using the excuse of "morning sickness".  Yes, i did have morning sickness, but i was also using that as an excuse to continue to act out on my behaviors- an ingrained coping mechanism i have.  Not a healthy one, but it has been a way that i have dealt with stress, anxiety and life in general since i was 11 (I'm 29 now).  Being pregnant, the first trimester is a huge developmental stage, and its draining.  Energy levels were at an all time low, causing me to have no motivation to run (this is the most out of shape i have been in for years).  Not running or working out affects my mental state hugely.  I instantly feel fat and huge, which leads to increased anxiety and depressive thoughts.  I let those thoughts overtake my mental state, and in the end, i had a huge mental break down. 

The result of this mental breakdown was treatment.  I entered an all day partial hospitalization program for mental health.  I was in that program for a week.  I had to be discharged due to not being on medication (being pregnant i didn't want to risk the baby's health by being on a medication that could affect a developing fetus).  My last day of treatment in this program was the day before me and my fiance went to hear our baby's heartbeat! The next week i was scheduled to start IOP for mental health- a 3 day a week, 3 hours a day program to continue to help me learn different ways to handle and cope with my anxiety and depression. 

The day of the heart beat appointment i woke up very anxious- there were a lot of other things going on that day (an out of town event for my fiance - his college graduation! and i was very stressed).  After finally calming down, we headed to the appointment.  i felt like a kid on Christmas.  i was so excited to hear my little nuggets heart beat! I had seen the heart beat in an ultrasound when i was 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  This appointment was at 11 weeks 4 days. I was most excited that my fiance was going to be able to share this event with me.  We were going to see our little human!  

The appointment did not go as we had hoped.  My doctor could not find the heartbeat with her sound device. She went and got the ultrasound and i knew instantly that something was wrong. I could see my little nugget on the ultrasound, but there was no flutter in the middle of the body, which now looked smaller, like there had been previously.  My doctor looked at me and in a very calm manner told me "there is no heartbeat"   I lost it.  The next few hours i spent sobbing.  My baby was gone.  I was told it wasn't my fault, that this happens to 1 in 3 women.  I still couldn't help but blame myself.  Was it because of my eating disorder behaviors, was it my stress levels, was it because in the beginning of the pregnancy i didn't know i was pregnant and drank? Was this maybe really my fault? I couldn't help but play over the what ifs, the would've could've should haves.  

The next week, i had a D&C surgery to remove the deceased fetus. The hospital i had my surgery at partners with two local cemeteries to bury the fetal tissues, as it is considered a life. I choose the catholic cemetery, as that is the religion me and my fiance have been raised with.  We will be saying a final good bye to our little nugget next week, June 4th.  I'm very grateful that both he and i have a strong faith in God.  We are trusting that this loss is a part of His plan for us, and we will be able to try again, and plan to.  We aren't letting this loss keep us from having the family we want. It will happen when God is ready for us.  

Since i had that surgery last week, i had to postpone starting my IOP program, which has now actually been switched. The therapist i met with for my intake had to do another assessment and we both decided that it would be best for me to start the Partial hospitalization program in the eating disorder unit.  I was told that at a minimum of care i needed the partial; the doctor did debate putting me inpatient right away, but i expressed that i preferred the partial so they agreed to that, and if i get worse, they will bump up the level of care.  I will be starting that in the next few days.  

In other news, outside of the sadness, the weather has been amazing! Finally! Milwaukee is so crazy with the weather.  As I'm writing this, i have two windows open and there is a hot breeze blowing in at me.  It feels so amazing! I cant wait to get out and run later today!  My doctor told me to take it easy after the surgery- no exercise, so i waited a week til i started to be active again.  I ran yesterday- 3.13 miles.  It felt so good.  The sun was hot.  I had a little trouble breathing and felt super out of shape but i held a decent pace.  Mile one and two were the same speed and mile 3 i slowed the pace.

In 15 days, my fiance and I are running in the Rock N Sole half marathon. I am very excited, but i have no training to back me, and he doesn't either.  We let our training sit on the back burner, so we will go out there and do our best.  I'm not shooting for the 1:20 range like i initially had planned.  There will be pacers, the fastest pacer will be for a 7:38 pace- 1:40 half time so i will run with that pacer, a little ahead at the beginning and than drop back to that pacer if i need.  I would like to finish at 1:35 but if i finish at 1:40 that is okay.  I need to realize i don't have proper, hell any, training to back me on this race.  I need to listen to my body cues and take this race mile by mile.  

Well that's all i have for now.  Stay tuned as i continue to update.  Also, i have added a facebook page for my business that i am finally working on getting off the ground, so please go and like it!
And if you have any fitness or health questions, email me!

Until next time:
Believe that you can run farther or faster. Believe that you're young enough, old enough, strong enough, and so on to accomplish everything you want to do. Don't let worn-out beliefs stop you from moving beyond yourself." - John Bingham