A little over a month ago, i turned 29. One more year until the big 3-0, an age that i have for a very long time feared. I've recently been evaluating my life, my mental state, my wants. I have been living in fear for a very long time, not just of getting older, but of not being good enough or where i should be. I put into my mindset over a decade ago expectations for myself. I had my entire adult life planned out before i was even a high school graduate. I was going to be married by 23, kids by 25 and 27 and driving a Mercedes and owning my own extravagant house by the time i was 30. None of that has happened. Life doesn't always go as we plan, for its not ours to plan. As a Christian, i have realized that God is the one who makes the plans for my life. I can try and have these extravagant ideas and plans, but that doesn't mean they are going to happen. Life happens, and sometimes its not easy and not what we had planed for ourselves.
My life has had many ups and downs the last 10 years. Suffering from severe anorexia since I was 11 and then bulimia coming into play at 16 (something i still struggle with today), being an active alcoholic and past drug addict, and suffering massive anxiety attacks and depression. I didn't have any of this in my life plans for myself, but they are here and they are something i deal with daily. I wish i didn't have to have these struggles, but if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I know that everything i am struggling with can one day be in the past. I can get through this, i can get help and i can be better. Those life plans i made for myself, they can still happen, just at a later age. The things i am overcoming and battling are a part of my life, for some reason, unknown to me, but i do know that they are going to help me to grow as a woman and one day i will be able to take what i have gone through (and am going through) and help someone else.
The past few weeks, i have been doing some soul searching. Trying to figure out just what it is i want from this life, and what exactly it is that i am afraid of. I realized i have so many goals and one of my biggest fears is not accomplishing them, not being the best or being good enough. I have always been an extremely talented athlete. Being a top swimmer the majority of my life and now taking that level of athleticism into running. I was the top runner in high school, but when given the choice of D1 swimming or D1 running, i choose to swim as that is where i had invested the majority of my time growing up.
With a half marathon coming up in June, i am confronted with fears. What if im not the best? What if i dont run as fast as I and others expect me to? What will people think of me? Im realizing, what does that matter!? The point is, im getting out there, im going to run 13.1 miles, and im going to finish with a smile! If i run a 7:30 pace instead of a 6:40, well then so be it. As long as i can finish and say i gave it my everything, i didn't hold back and am proud of myself- then i have accomplished a goal.
I have been struggling a lot lately with my eating disorder and my alcohol addiction. I am so afraid of not getting "that skinny" one more time. I have this thought that i need to be super skinny one more time in my life, just to "feel it" and so i get scared to eat or i eat and have to purge. My anxiety will overwhelm me and then i need to drink, and if i drink im drinking to skip eating. Its a vicious cycle. But once i take that first drink, its not enough, one bottle of wine isn't enough, heck sometimes 2 bottles isn't enough. I have been an alcoholic since i was 18. Drinking was kind of fun in the beginning but now its just a way to numb myself and not deal with life. As i mentioned earlier, i have all these goals, well drinking is keeping me from achieving them and just aids in my depression. I can get to day 3 without a drink and than my anxiety sky rockets and i throw a tantrum and demand that i have a 6 pack of beer or 2 bottles of wine immediately. I tell my boyfriend i will leave him if i don't get a drink. What kind of love is that displaying? This is the man i want and plan to spend the rest of my life with, to start a family with and i am treating him like none of that matters, all because i want a drink.
My head is in a constant fog, even as i write this, my thoughts seem disorganized and out of whack. I don't like being this person. i don't like watching my running suffer. And i especially don't like seeing the look of hurt on my amazing boyfriends face. I love you babe and im so sorry for all this "bullshit" i have had to put you through. This isn't to say that i am fixed and it wont happen again, because it probably well. As i write this im thinking about how good a 6 pack of spotted cow would be right now, well, after i get in my run for the day.
To my readers, i need to vent today, thank you for letting me. Never give up on yourself or your goals. Never sell yourself short. You are worth it. You do deserve to have good things happen to you. We all do! Thanks for letting me rant today, and as always LiveForFitness
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